lifetime movie (in progress)

for my future book to be made into a movie and bravo show that will hopefully get me on ellen? along with my wonderful future author, evonne, who has dedicated her future time to record my life stories in print.

note: this is primarily for the enjoyment of the 3 people who actually read this and for the mortification...of me.

jesus don’t cry, you can rely on me honey.

i have sinned.

who knew i had it in me?

i’m sorry to everyone that had to endure my lack of a social filter.

i’m sorry gallbladder, stomach lining, and esophagus.

i’m sorry art class final.

i’m sorry de anza trash cans lining the arts building.

time for my gracious return to hermit-hood.

i get high with a little help from my friends.

i’m glad we still have each other after all these years.

you know how to warm my heart.

we used to play with barbies.

and play dress up.

and then while i drove us to the mall the other day, you told me you were “hella high.”

beautiful.

don’t stand so, don’t stand so close to me.

i love family and friends and good food and feeling humble and being emotional…

and that neighbor who keeps staring at you, tells people they don’t know how pretty you are, and creeps behind you and touches your hair while you are engaged in conversation with your two unbelievably successful cousins.

yaaaaaaaaaay.

EDIT: thank you, evonne. thank you. -_-

and i can do the frug.

i love going to the beach two days in a row.

making wise investments.

getting parking spots next to the cart drop.

eating delicious, warm sammiches.

curling up on the couch with my dog to catch “how to lose a guy in 10 days” on oxygen.

feeling my eyelids droop.

calmly removing my contacts in the mirror.

seeing a blur scuttle across the floor on my left.

getting high blood pressure.

seeing the blur crawl towards you.

losing your shit.

not finding the motherfucking raid.

grabbing the lysol.

making a mountain of foam.

seeing a BIG ASS limb wiggle.

frantically running into the kitchen.

grabbing the roach and ant spray.

spraying that motherfucker.

getting lightheaded from the fumes.

feeling uncertain despite the lack of limb movement.

grabbing some bedhead masterpiece hair spray from the dildo can.

making that shit stay in place.

fleeing the scene before things intensify.

feeling like a badass.


orpheus melted the heart of persephone, but i never had yours.

after being sent a picture of a special person from the past…

j: your love
j: looks all grown up
n: OMFG
n: at first
n: i was like
n: that’s not ____________*.
n: and then i was like
n: “wait. oh! OH!! WHOAH CHIN STRAP.”
j: hahahahh
n: and like the unintentional creeper i am
n: i just discovered
n: that he’s in a band now
j: unintentional
j: uhhh huh
j: i feel like
j: youre updating your diary
n: i’m such an advanced creeper,
n: these things just come to me
n: oh you know it
n: dear diary,
n: ___________* can grow facial hair
n: i’m in love
n: his band is called no more nuggets*
n: i hope this means
j: hahahahah
n: my shewolf-esqe chewbacca nature
n: will turn him on
n: love, natasha
j: HAHAHAh
j:yessss

-a few moments later-


n: dear diary,
n: my boner
n: just died in a fire.
n: [web address of his shitty band’s song]
n: love, a now dickless natasha

*names have been changed/removed for [a menial amount of] privacy.

yes i’m siskel, yes i’m ebert, and you’re getting two thumbs up.

want to talk about college?

okay.

i fear the hypersexual roommate.

i have gone over this situation in my head an infinite number of times.

j’ai peur.

  • what if i left my macbook in the room and i need it.
  • what if they get pissed at me.
  • what if they don’t and keep going.
  • what if they curse at me.
  • what if they throw shit at me.
  • what if they are doing it on my mac.
  • what if i have to pee and they are having shower sex.
  • what if they lock the door and i forgot my key.
  • what if they do it on my bed.
  • what if their feet are on my pillow case and i ran out of quarters for the washing machine.
  • what if they do it while i’m in the room trying to sleep.
  • what if my ipod can not be turned up loud enough to drown them out without permanently ruining my hearing.
  • what if they use my shit as lube.
  • what if they watch porn while having sex, and burn my retina two times over.
  • what if they jizz on my expensive textbooks.
  • what if they steal money from me to buy condoms.
  • what if they make me buy them condoms.
  • what if she steals my birth control.
  • what if they steal my shit in general.
  • what if they like….jizz on my blankets.
  • what if they get caught by administrators and they make it look like i’m the one at fault.
  • what if they cause me to be late to class because i can’t find my things since, in a sex craze, they mess up the whole room.
  • what if they break something of mine.
  • what if we both get in trouble for her noise.

…

i mean…i could go on.

note: yes, i am very aware that i overthink everything. this is how i cope. or vent. whatever.